Silent Hill (2006)

Perhaps the best of the videogame-to-film conversions yet, Silent Hill is still a movie at odds with itself. Some of the imagery at work, and the general mood of things when the lights go out are the stuff of beautiful Lovecraftian nightmare. The gore present is not only the gooey-bloody stuff, but also effective and disturbing; the way it ought to be. And the audio design is spot on (which it should be, since it's from the same person who made the games' soundscapes so damn frightening). It's scary the way a good horror flick should be scary. But the plot? Just sub-par. It's told in an overly simplistic, ham-fisted style that still manages not to make sense. To be fair, the games weren't much better, but that's not an excuse. This film has got the scare-factor down in spades, with thick atmosphere and excellent pacing, but it can't surmount its mismanaged script. I give it serious points for effort, but a bad story is still a bad story.

4 out of 10.

BloodRayne (2005)

Start with a director who has a track record of Z-grade box office flops, add in an A-list cast who are clearly in need of a paycheck, digest, squat, and out squeezes this deformed monstrosity. Seriously, what were Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsly, Michael Madsen, Michelle Williams, Meat Loaf, and Billy Zane's agents smoking?! How could an ultra-violent movie about a smoking hot vampire vixen turn out this awful? It's not even novelty bad! For the most part it's just boring, with occasional trips into painfully poor. Director Uwe Boll takes a lot of flack for being incapable of making movies with any redeeming qualities, and after four misbegotten failures I'm inclined to say that he should never be allowed to make movies ever again. If only it were that simple. The saddest part is that of his films, this is easily his best. And it's still intolerable! Everyone, do me a favor: if you come across a steaming pile directed by Uwe Boll, don't step in it.

None out of 10.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)

Family films simply do not get any better than this. Somewhere in this mixed up fable of giant vegetables and ravenous rabbits is a slice of purest entertainment. Neither condescending nor unnecessarily vulgar, this movie strikes the golden mean of being equally accessible for both children and adults thanks to exceptionally sharp writing and beautifully nuanced, hand crafted animation. Subtle, charming, and effortlessly hilarious from the very first frame to the very last, it's the kind of movie that reaffirms faith in the genre. The whole movie just works on every possible level, and the end result is absolute magic.

10 out of 10.

The Descent (2005)

Newsflash: avoid this film at all costs if you are even slightly claustrophobic. If you do not know if you are claustrophobic, you will by the time the credits start rolling. The combination of deep, dark cave diving and girl-power adventure gone awry turns this into something of a post-Saw version of Deliverance with all the trimmings. It's got pitch perfect tension, nerve destroying atmosphere and that deeply unsettling brand of the creepy-crawlies present in most of the best horror flicks. So basically it's a fine piece of pants-destroying terror; how is it otherwise? The story has a few vicious twists in it, while the decisions made by our heroines mostly make sense. Also, the lighting is fairly creative, being as it's almost entirely done with headlamps and flares. Meanwhile, the characters as a whole are mostly interesting, though a bit interchangeable. But you care when the chosen few meet their fates, and that's important. This movie is pretty much the complete package. If you're a fan of the horror genre, it could prove a new classic for you. For the rest, it's an extremely effective way to make you soil yourself.

8 out of 10.

'American Gods' by Neil Gaiman (Book - 2001)

Don't take this as being anything more than a literal statement: this book successfully finds the middle ground between Stephen King and H. P. Lovecraft, making a successful, though flawed, entry into a genre that I will call “Horror Americana.” On the King side, this book has obscure music references, relatable characters in relatable circumstances, and that hard-to-identify straight forwardness inherent to his novels. Meanwhile on the Lovecraft end of things you've got horrific sacrifices, ancient deities, a delightful sense of constant unease, and the ever-present freaky dream sequences. There's nothing wrong with cribbing from the successful if you can add a new bend to it, and author Neil Gaiman keeps his twisted tale fresh by relying on the results of an abundance of research on middle-America, creating a remarkably honest and real impression of life in the “fly-over states.” It's not all sun and roses, however. Despite a few eerie moments, and a general feeling of danger throughout every chapter, there's hardly any real horror across its 600 pages. Likewise, the motivations for the larger struggle are hardly fleshed out in terms understandable by mere mortals, or at least to me. But I don't care. Maybe it's because almost every place described in the book is a place I've actually been to in my travels, but I say this is an excellent book for anyone looking to stray off the bloody, beaten path.

7 out of 10.

Black Sheep (2007)

guest review by Phineas Gopher

In the spirit of New Zealand horror/comedy hits such as Braindead and Meet the Feebles comes a genre-bending tail...um, tale...of docile sheep going stark raving, flesh-craving mad. Not to be confused with the 1996 Chris Farley vehicle of the same name, Black Sheep features a Kiwi cast on a rural farm trying not to become dinner for genetically-altered supersheep. Part vampire, part werewolf, part zombie flick, but mostly tongue-in-cheek splatstick comedy, this is best viewed with friends and alcohol, not in that order. The SFX are impressive, unsurprising since they are by Richard Taylor (of The Lord of the Rings fame). Not nearly as clever as other horrorcom imports such as Shaun of the Dead, Black Sheep is still a fun, if forgettable, novelty offering for the genre.

7 out of 10.

30 Days of Night (2007)

For a movie that spends so much screen time developing our heroes it's amazing how little you care when they die. Here's another great concept for a horror flick—Vampires in the long night that is the Alaskan winter—wasted on a poor script, a few underrated actors, and a director with better past projects. Sure it's got its creep factor, but how hard is it to jump out behind something and yell boo? If you want to make someone leap out of their seat, that works fine, but that isn't what makes a movie memorable. And it's great that the film gives plenty of time for character development, but there's nothing there to develop. Oh, and don't even get me started on the vampires. They didn't even try to develop them! They're just sadistic dickholes who like to eat people. I've been more sympathetic to zombies! This movie just doesn't work. It's two hours of empty jump scares and blood-stained snow, and pretty much nothing more.

3 out of 10.

Ultraviolet (2006)

Vapid, ridiculous, self-important, and nearly indecipherable, Ultraviolet still packs enough visual punch and audacity to earn begrudging respect. Director Kurt Wimmer's follow-up to 2002's generally excellent Equilibrium serves as a cogent example of Style over Substance. When the action is piling on hot and heavy the film is at its peak but the moment the bullets stop flying you find yourself checking your watch and hoping the next poorly accented “thespian” walking around the corner is hiding a gun behind his back. The good news is they often are, the bad is that it's not nearly often enough. When the body count is rising there are an astonishing amount of things happening on screen, most of them further extensions of Wimmer's semi-brilliant “Gun Kata” martial art invention from Equilibrium, all wrapped around a color palette that pushes straight past nauseating into downright experimental. The film doesn't involve your brain in any way that matters, and when the loud techno music and gunfire lullaby stop the film is just plain awful, but when the film kicks into fight mode there's enough visual flair to warrant a watch.

5 out of 10.