The Road (2009)

Quietly trudging through the wasteland after the end of the world, a father and son simply try to survive. Just as Cormac McCarthy wrote his silent story of desperation, so it is with this film. It is a surprisingly faithful adaptation, especially considering how devastating and cruel the remainder of the world is portrayed. There is no safety, no beauty, no kindness, nothing left in this setting. Still, for as accurately as the original vision has been fit to the screen there is a surprising, if slight, disconnect throughout. This may be a perfect example of something being lost in translation. Without the stream-of-conscious narrative of the book, the crushing weight of the main characters situation doesn't settle as heavily. Similarly, the few dangers the characters encounter feel less ominous, and far more direct. Yet still, despite the subtlety lessened impact brought about, there is more than enough gravity to circumstances, more than enough desperation to go around.

8 out of 10.

RocknRolla (2008)

For director Guy Ritchie, returning to the genre that helped him make his mark must be a bittersweet homecoming. The over-stylish British ganster genre really hasn't existed without him, and having him back ought to be enough to recharge the batteries in a single shot. But alas, no. The inventive grittiness present in both Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, and Snatch, is gone, replaced with the relative gloss of real estate extortion gone wrong. The style of filmmaking itself is still present, thankfully, with the ever-fun smash cuts and whip pan cutaways. It's never dull to look at. Though little of that matters when the script tries and fails to be funny as often as this one does. Winding and wacky as much of the film manages to seem, a lot of it still feels like a hollow shell, or a vain attempt to reproduce something that the director has simply grown out of.

4 out of 10.

Red Sonja (1985)

Despite taking place in the same pre-historic far east world of Hyboria as the Conan films, despite sharing the same director as the lesser of two Conans, and despite also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sword-wielding mountain of muscle with the same hairstyle of Conan, this is not a Conan film. Or a good film, for that matter. Instead it's a disinterested cash-in on the other franchise, attempting a similar swords-and-sorcery style of epic but ultimately falling apart thanks to an unbelievably dull script and ridiculously atrocious acting. It's almost worth watching for the cheese-factor alone. Almost. To its minimal credit, it has a single decent action sequence, and some of the scenery looks pretty cool in a doodles-in-a-14-year-old's binder sort of way. And the poster is pretty exciting too. Honestly though, outside of the remarkable amount of fuel for cynical riffing, there's no reason to watch this movie. Go watch an actual Conan film instead.

1 out of 10.

Robocop (1987)

All things considered, this film shouldn't be anything more than a dated popcorn muncher. But there's something here, a sharp satirical edge and a total reckless abandon, that not only keeps it afloat, but somehow makes something just short of transcendent. Make no mistake, this is still completely, utterly an 80s action relic, but it's one with an endearing quality that manages to both embrace its obsolescence while it makes that same into a strength. While the cops of Detroit wrap their minds and guns around a cinematically convenient endless crimewave, the corporate-funded cyber cop fights his war against corporate America with a strong anti-drug, pro-violence attitude that is quintessentially 80s. It's fun stuff, packed with big explosions, gruesome violence, and a genuinely bizarre sense of mocking humor. While some of the special effects don't stand up, and the vision of the now-retro future is laughable at best, there's a nugget of innocence packed in here that feels refreshing even after all these years.

8 out of 10.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

So that happened. It's difficult to determine where to start on this one; I mean, it's a musical about a repo man collecting organs as payment. Think along the lines of Sweeny Todd, but more gruesome, trading in period gothic for future industrial gothic, where the music settles between terrible and neutral. There's an air of cult all over the film, from the casting to the generally emo and screamo style music, to the bloody, yet-comically fake, gore. And it's clear that the producers knew where it was headed as well, with some obscure casting decisions featuring faces you would never have heard of unless you weren't already deep down the rabbit hole. The shame here is that most of them are not very good singers, or are at least not properly equipped to try their hand at the styles of music being thrown at them. Not that it matters with such inconsistent quality in the composition. Strictly as a film, then, it's a frustrating mess. Maybe with the right company and the right mindset there is some energy and verve to be gleaned—there certainly seems to be a feeling of “almost!” throughout—but without the right mental state this whole damn thing will probably just make most people walk away.

3 out of 10.

The Room (2003)

There is just no way a person can stay quiet during this movie—it is so full of bad choices, awful acting, horrid writing, and repetitive dialogue that you'll be screaming in frustration before the end of the second scene. When even the several sex scenes fail to keep your interest, you know the rest will be torture. By intention, it was made as a deep, searing drama exploring the dark underbelly of a relationship gone sour. It was rightly panned at every festival and screening it was presented to. Director, and hilariously oblivious windbag, Tommy Wiseau, in perhaps the only reasonable decision made regarding the production, then opted to re-brand the same film as a dark comedy. Good luck with that, Tommy. If you've got a group of friends and a ready pile of your favorite decision-impairing substance, there may be some merit to viewing this catastrophe. If you're running solo, avoid it like cancer.

1 out of 10.

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)

No one in their right mind would deny this as a classic. Or proof that a deus ex machina is just fine if you actually use a deus. I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to tell you here. Harrison Ford may have given life to Han Solo, but his work as Indy is just as iconic, if not more so. Scene after scene, shot after shot, line after line of this film is a part of both pop culture and the cinematic lexicon. In every way possible it holds up just as well, if not better today than it did when it was minted. It's action packed, funny, rousing, romantic, perfectly performed and flawlessly executed. And frankly if you haven't seen it by now, you're a fool. Go rent it, buy it, enjoy it, study it, love it. This, without question, is among the very tip top best of what film has to offer.

10 out of 10.

'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy (Book - 2006)

Uplifting, desperate, hopeful, and honest, The Road is a triumph of intimacy and loneliness at the end of the world. In following a father and sun as they pick their way through the desolate wasteland of a nuclear winter, Cormac McCarthy's stream-of-conscious writing style plays a philosopher's narrative on the death rattle of humanity. There's little that's typical about this sort of story. There are no grand, Mad Max-esque battles for resources or trips through the piss-stained hovels of depraved, starving refugees. Instead, it is a book entirely consumed in the father-son relationship, their nomadic journey through a dying wilderness, and the pair's absolute trust and dependency on each other; the post-society setting merely provides a narrative context for absolute desperation. The tale is quiet and thoughtful, slow and uneventful, methodical and dangerous. And like the best of genre fiction, it rings true.

10 out of 10.

Rambo (2008)

Man, they don't make them like this anymore! The minute the film starts it's like being back in the mid-80s, with all the good and bad that goes with it. The bad guys are all mustache twirlingly evil, and the people in jeopardy are literally a bunch of white bread, Colorado based, Christian all-American, naively idealistic missionaries complete with a token hot blond. Stallone is there too, or at least what's left of him. It certainly sounds like him—every time he tells someone to “go home,” it sounds like “ghoom.” But you don't watch Rambo for introspective commentary or warrior-philosophy, at least not beyond the 1982 original; you're here for the action, and it's here that this film delivers. Soon as the safety's off it's an absolute bloodbath. Flying body parts, people shot in half, and even a few gruesome scenes of land mine death all add up to a massive 236 on screen deaths (according to film writer John Mueller). While it's ridiculously obvious where the film's priorities are, there's still something to be said for putting on a show consisting of one unforgiving massacre after another. Between the action sequences you'll be checking your watch, but when the bullets start flying I dare you to be bored.

6 out of 10.

Rescue Dawn (2007)

Mixing elements of The Great Escape and Platoon, this is a Viet Nam War flick that never really finds its footing but is interesting nonetheless. While it gets its setting and story from the experiences of real life war pilot Dieter Dengler, there are simple missteps in both plausibility and characterization. Christian Bale plays Dengler with such air-headed bravado that it's difficult to gain any sympathy for his exceptional plight beyond the general disgust Viet Cong torture merits. His plausibility is constantly chipped away due to his never-ending supply of brash optimism. Meanwhile the supporting pile of fellow castaways are all varying combinations of Stockholm Syndrome and dysentery, played either with broad character strokes or no personality at all. The second half is fairly dramatic however, though still a bit scatter shot. All told this is a take-it-or-leave-it film. If you're interested in the struggles of POWs it's worth a cursory inspection, but past that there isn't a lot worth going out of your way for.

6 out of 10.

Ratatouille (2007)

It becomes obvious, once you break down what it's about, why this was almost the least profitable Pixar film released to date. Fine dining in a Paris kitchen that has a rat as the chef isn't the the most marketable concept for a kid's flick. Rats aren't exactly cute and cuddly, and fine cuisine isn't something that an 8-year-old is typically interested in. But who cares? This is superb filmmaking, and another example of why director Brad Bird (The Iron Giant, The Incredibles) is considered among the most talented artists working in animation today. While it contains little of the big budget adventure styling of previous Pixar efforts, the heart and story shine bright. The focus is intimate without being pretentious, and the humor is imaginative and intelligent but never in bad taste (beyond rats eating garbage, at least). It still has a few moments of typical kid's film silliness, though even here they had the good sense not to overdo it. Left field subject matter aside, as a smart movie that all ages can enjoy it will simply make you smile from start to finish.

9 out of 10.

Reno 911: Miami (2007)

The usual rules apply here: if you didn't like the Reno 911 TV show, you won't like the movie. However, if you've never heard of Reno 911 then keep listening. While it isn't much more than what's been on Comedy Central for the past few years, this sordid spoof of the show Cops still has enough bite and enough offensive gall to make its R-rated patrol worthwhile. It's often quite clever, consistently hilarious, and it has an off-the-cuff spontaneity that keeps the laughs coming in unexpected ways. This is all thanks to a very talented cast of miscreants who, in the making of both the show and the film, write up the skeleton of a script along with a few key gags then almost completely improvise each scene on set. At a trim 83 minutes, the movie features some of their best skits yet and by far their most raunchy gags ever, neatly wrapped around an appropriately disposable plot. Beyond that there isn't much to see here, and while the jokes are great while they last they, along with the film itself, are mostly forgettable. Still, whether you've seen the show or not, there's a lot to like and a lot to laugh at here.

7 out of 10.

Rendition (2007)

Lately any time the genre of a movie has the world “Political” in it, one can automatically assume it has a thing or two to say about the so-called War On Terror. So it is with Rendition, a film about a loving husband and father spirited away by The Man because he may or may not have possibly had something to do with a suspected terrorist. I have to say that the movie was a good bit more interesting than I thought it would be. It approaches its subject matter with the understanding that sometimes horrible things must be done to keep even more horrible things from happening to other people. That said, even with its moral compass clearly pointing toward grey, it lacks the teeth to really dig into policy. Rather it's a personal story, a what-if, and for the most part it's quite effective, though far from gripping. It's got a solid cast doing their usual solid acting (Jake Gyllenhaal especially), while the tale tosses in a few unexpected curve balls amid a mostly predictable pile of plot points. It never manages to reach any soaring highs, but for what this film tries to do it succeeds.

7 out of 10.

Randy & the Mob (2007)

Good natured and fun, this is the rare comedy that could possibly win anyone over thanks to an earnest approach and some slick charm. In a way it reminds me of My Big Fat Greek Wedding: it has the same sort of avant garde crowd-pleasing vibe and a similar cultural twist. It's simply a smiling tale of family and small town stress set against the strangeness that is the deep south. While it's rarely uproarious, it keeps you grinning from the first shot to the last, relying on heart and a clever script to drive itself. It isn't a Hollywood comedy, doesn't have big stars or high-budget photography; this is just a down home, southern fried pile of delightfully bent laughs.

8 out of 10.

Resident Evil 3: Extinction (2007)

Can only come up with two positive things to say about this movie: the exterior settings are nicely dressed in that desert-apocalypse sort of way, and the movie isn't any worse than the second. I could ask what the point of this film being made might have been, but it's been obvious ever since the (abysmal) second movie grossed $51 million domestically. So what do we have here? Awful effects, acting that ranges from apathetic to aggressively bored, action sequences edited so poorly that the only reason you know the heroes are okay is because they're heroes, logic gaps that make the Grand Canyon seem like a flesh wound, and a zombie pimp. It's the kind of movie that thinks its audience will fall into a narcoleptic coma if something loud doesn't happen every forty-five seconds (I'd like to thank Yahtzee Croshaw for that line), while at the same time finding new ways to murder suspension of disbelief with yet another piss-poorly assembled fight scene. When the best the film can throw at you is a bit toward the end that seems “okay” instead of the usual “root canal bad” you seriously start to wonder if the millions of dollars spent on movies like this might not be happier living in a fireplace.

2 out of 10.

Rent (2005)

AIDS! Woo! Lets all sing about it! Look, I won't deny that the music is about as catchy as you can possibly cram into a musical, or that the cast isn't... uh... well cast. I just think it was a mistake to have Chris Columbus direct. His tendency to take deep, dark, complex themes and turn them into sterile, safe films goes against the very grain that this story deserves. This is a tale of slow painful deaths, poverty, and homelessness. Instead we get pretty-boy actors singing about how much it sucks to be gay/sick/a documentary filmmaker in a supposedly poverty-stricken part of New York City that, while home to an unusually high population of homeless folks, still somehow seems like a nice place to live. The whole film just feels disingenuous. Part of the reason that musical theatre is fun to watch is seeing real live people sing their hearts out and dance their feet off in front of you. The magic of film editing means that anyone can pull off even the most impossible dance steps, and computer tech can easily alter a failing voice to make sure it's exactly on pitch. I don't question that there's a great show in Rent, but I question the wisdom of putting to film something that worked so damn well on stage and shoehorning it onto the silver screen, especially under the direction of someone incapable of making a movie with any real dirt in it. The soundtrack remains nearly brilliant and the story still works, but whatever it is that makes this show a phenomenon never made it past the proscenium. Good to see Alan Tudyk's stunt double is getting work.

5 out of 10.

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