JCVD (2008)

Jean-Claude Van Damme, the muscles from Brussels, is a washed up actor who's hard up for cash and credibility. Then he gets involved in a bank robbery. There's a strange thing going on in this mostly-French language film. With Jean-Claude playing himself, the fourth wall is but a plot device, and in fashion similar to Being John Malkovich there's the sense that the things going on behind the scenes are as important as the on-screen result. Van Damme seems to be trying to reinvent himself with this film, repositioning himself with a mea culpa for his reputation, and the result is surprising and compelling. Sadly, the same cannot be said for most of the remainder of the film, which is a largely standard trip through the genre. There's nothing particularly bad about the story being told, just that it doesn't really stand out. Yet still, there's a nugget here from Van Damme, a genuine showing that there's more to things than what usually makes the cut. While the film itself may not be much, there is still something honest to be appreciated.

6 out of 10.

Soldier (1998)

There is a reason why the “hardened killing machine defends adorable children” genre died out, and this is as good an example as any. Supposedly taking place in the same universe as the film Blade Runner, we're introduced to an infant being raised to be an unstoppable terminator, who is then rendered obsolete right about the time he starts looking like an over-the-hill Kurt Russell. Maybe then he'll learn to love and care for people instead of ripping out their throats, teaching children valuable life lessons and helping a community of refuges squeak out a living. It's exactly as cheesy and stupid as it sounds, and worse yet it doesn't even have any badass action bits or good explosions to soften the blow. This is as by the numbers as these films can get, and aside from a halfway decent turn by an almost completely silent Russell offers nothing notable. Skip it, move on. Blade Runner's universe doesn't need this.

3 out of 10.

Jumper (2008)

Last time Hayden Christensen and Samuel L. Jackson were on screen together, Jackson got his hands chopped off with a lightsaber, while Hayden insisted everyone start calling him “Darth,” then went off to slaughter children. Shame to see they haven't quite patched things up. Also shame to see neither has taken an acting class since, as while the concept of a teleporting bank robber fighting a quasi-religious assassin seems like popcorn-munching heaven, both actors' performances are more wooden than a spruce. That isn't to say the film doesn't have its moments. The teleportation conceit is is utilized impressively, with action scenes and conversations leaping from Cairo to London to New York to Rome to Tokyo to Dubai and a dozen points in between with such regularity it almost becomes mundane. I would have hated to be working continuity on the film! And while the acting across the leads is pure B-movie fare, it still remains sufficiently amusing. I guess what I'm saying is it'll kill ninety minutes, but you'll have a hard time remembering what you saw.

5 out of 10.

Juno (2007)

Human beings simply aren't this rational, but isn't the reason we go to the movies to see impossible things? Sure, it's fraught with the usual series of moral conundrums that would and should plague any film about teen pregnancy. But it's the totally level-headed perspective screenwriter Diablo Cody brings to bear that makes this one of the freshest, most charming, and charismatic movies of 2007. Credit also has to go to the perfect performance of Ellen Page as Juno; she takes the script's improbably earnest title character and turns her into a sensitive, beguiling, intelligent, and believable persona. Everything in this film is just marvelous, from the lighthearted yet honest way everyone deals with one another, the superb pacing that keeps you smiling sweetly from one moment to the next, down to the bizarrely enchanting soundtrack. It's funny, smart, original, and absolutely overflowing with insight. Impossibly sensible cast aside, it's one of the best ways out there to get the warm-fuzzies.

9 out of 10.

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