Soldier (1998)

There is a reason why the “hardened killing machine defends adorable children” genre died out, and this is as good an example as any. Supposedly taking place in the same universe as the film Blade Runner, we're introduced to an infant being raised to be an unstoppable terminator, who is then rendered obsolete right about the time he starts looking like an over-the-hill Kurt Russell. Maybe then he'll learn to love and care for people instead of ripping out their throats, teaching children valuable life lessons and helping a community of refuges squeak out a living. It's exactly as cheesy and stupid as it sounds, and worse yet it doesn't even have any badass action bits or good explosions to soften the blow. This is as by the numbers as these films can get, and aside from a halfway decent turn by an almost completely silent Russell offers nothing notable. Skip it, move on. Blade Runner's universe doesn't need this.

3 out of 10.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Here, I'll make this simple: did you grow up playing videogames? Then you need to see this. Look, I won't lie: headlining star Michael Cera, playing his usual awkward, irrepressibly repetitive, lovable scamp self, is overexposed to the point of being obnoxious. At this point it's a given. What I'm saying is to get over it just this once. He's not the reason to see this movie. This is one about the presentation, the story that flies by at 200kph splashing geek humor all over everything, for seeing life bars and power-ups become character beats, and for seeing the gamer audience as more than a bunch of closeted dweebs living in their parents' basements. It's for anyone who's ever chased a high score, fought a dragon, or saved a world in their spare time with their spare quarters. Is it perfect? Certainly not. Seeing Mr. Pilgrim battle Ramona's seven evil ex-boyfriends does get a little long in the tooth, as almost every fight at least starts out identically, and often even ends the same way. But it's the moments in-between the kung-fu: the sly winks to a knowing audience, the solid delivery of joke after joke after joke, and the pervasive use of the soundtrack from Zelda: A Link to the Past, that keep things levelling up. Sure, if you didn't grow up with these influences, you'll either be lost or bored or just not see what the big deal is. Yet for those of us sitting pretty in the target audience, this is finally a movie that understands.

9 out of 10 (if you played a lot of games as a kid; otherwise 7)

Sherlock Holmes (2009)

Director Guy Ritchie may have outgrown making stylish gangster flicks, but his talent for creatively smashing his way through British culture is very much alive and intact. Taking the grandfather of all super-detectives and giving him a heaping dose of modern cynicism may not do anything for purists of character continuity, but it makes something damn entertaining regardless. That it's the professional motormouth himself, Robert Downey Jr., as the man himself just makes things all the more fun. Meanwhile Ritchie's hyper detailed editing style lends itself perfectly to such a meticulous character. Series purists will of course lament the loss of his cocaine addiction and implications of invisible friends, or that he's more of a man of action than a dour riddle-solver. But this is a film that is aiming for pure, breezy, popcorn-munching entertainment, carefree and pleasantly complicated. About the only real knock against this film are the almost universally terrible CG effects. If you can get past that little tweak, and don't mind a few character liberties, there's very little to dislike in this hyperactive reimagining.

8 out of 10.

Spirited Away (2001)

Also known as Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi.
One of my favorite scenes in all of cinema occurs late in this film—it's a quiet character moment on a train as the scenery passes by on a waterlogged horizon. Joe Hisaishi's excellent score slows to little more than a somber piano, and an attentive viewer is given a chance to breathe a bit, take in the entirety of the story to that point. Much of this tale of a girl lost in a world of strange spirits is filled with such verve and energy that for it to press on the brakes and weave this piece into the palette brings the magical absurdity of the story a sense of weight. A lot of strange things happen in this movie, but like all Miyazaki's films there is a patience in the telling, a casual lack of urgency. It doesn't need to shove you through one moment in its eagerness to get to the next weird thing, but relishes in the detail and the world. There are weaknesses however. As wonderfully bizarre as the events onscreen can be, there are barely any moments to flesh out the world in which they inhabit. And much of the ending feels like an attempt to solve a riddle that was never asked in the first place. But there is truth and beauty in this coming of age tale, and though it may have a few cracks on the surface it is no less touching or satisfying.

9 out of 10.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)

Every series deserves to have a bright, blinding high point; that moment or segment where even the most over-wrought morass of fiction has a chance to shine and be celebrated. The Wrath of Khan is just that. The story is kept simple and accessible: a man bearing a decades-long grudge against a now-retired starship captain escapes exile to exact his revenge. Very little of the series' signature baggage comes along for the ride in any prominent way. Instead we are presented with a streamlined narrative, solid and compelling characters, and an excellent cat-and-mouse game played between the two leads. There's even a substantial amount of risk taken with some key players, and a simply exceptional final showdown. Sure, some of the staple characters are underutilized, and there are certainly moments of very questionable acting, but for the popcorn-munching fun and adventure of it, this is a film that fans and non-fans can both enjoy equally.

9 out of 10.

Street Fighter (Live Action - 1994)

Whether they intended to or not, the creators of this film managed to make one hell of a B-movie. Labeling itself as a martial arts epic was probably the first mistake, but this videogame-based flick drips unique style and kitch in quantities that should be toxic. And it does so almost completely by mistake. Watching martial arts star and professional blowhard Jean Claude Van-Damme present every bit of acting acumen he has, and seeing it completely and hilariously marginalized against the simple grace and perfectly self-mocking arrogance of the great Raul Julia is truly cinematic fodder for excellence. In fact, Raul Julia's (sadly final) performance as dictator M. Bison may have been one of the finest B-movie performances out there. Julia drips 90s silliness, overblown self-importance, and even a very slight sense of good humored menace with so little effort that it's a shame this isn't a better film. Or even a good one. No, this is a terrible film with delusions of grandeur. But still, with as much good-natured hilarity on display, it's hard not to recommend a film that failed its way to watchability as well as this one has.

4 out of 10.

Star Trek (2009)

Full disclosure: I am not a Trek fan. I never have been. While I have no real ill will toward the series, I've always found it a bit too sterile, a bit too preachy, a bit too mellow for my tastes. Too much science, not enough fiction. This film is a different beast, however. One with verve and spirit, with pure excitement and a sense of humor. It's good natured, and just plain fun. It's Star Trek for the rest of us. Director J.J. Abrams takes what we all know about the old crew, and starts again from scratch, crafting a pure popcorn munching good time. It isn't weighed down by flimsy morality, and though it never dips into the truly weird it definitely keeps up a spirit of adventure. It's one amazing set piece after another, populated by likable characters doing interesting things. The story itself is perhaps a bit convoluted (though extremely clever with regard to the old canon), and the effects a bit too shiny, but when there's this much great fun going on, it's hard to find too much fault.

8 out of 10.

Starship Troopers (1997)

Jingoism meets soap opera meets war film. There's little here to latch any aspirations of “serious cinema” onto in this sci-fi combat flick. The script is barely above that of an after-school special, there's no science in the fiction, and it pretty much lays a log on of the novel upon which it claims to be based. But if all you're after is an amusing two hours with a gaggle of handsome people from a hilariously conservative future society, who ship off to war with giant bugs so they can add “rugged” to their résumé, then this is definitely your movie! All things considered, that's not such a bad thing. Seeing thousands of extras being melted, beheaded and several different kinds of impaled at the talons of their giant insect aggressors has a creative shock value that's hard to deny. The special effects, from the titular starships to the troopers to the arachnid race are extraordinarily impressive, matching up well to work done now more than 10 years since it was made. Also there's nudity, so it has that going for it. Simply put, it's a popcorn muncher violence-fest with an amusingly bent take on the definition of utopia. A perfect guilty pleasure.

7 out of 10.

Sanjuro (1962)

Also known as Tsubaki Sanjûrô.
Seeing Toshirô Mifune take up the mantle as the ronin Sanjuro once again is just a treat. And though I'm sure I'll draw fire from the hardcore film buffs for saying so, I'll go out on a limb and call this the more entertaining of the Yojimbo-Sanjuro pair. This time the grumpy samurai helps a young man and his fellow clansmen rescue his uncle from an evil usurper. Much of Kurosawa's standard dark desperation is gone, replaced with a bent sense of humor. Meanwhile the action is more frequent and better choreographed, the pace is much more brisk, and the plot is significantly easier to follow. About the only place that falls short of its predecessor is the cinematography, but considering the pedigree, that's hardly a complaint. Sanjuro may not quite stack up to being the classic film that Yojimbo is, but as a popcorn muncher of old, this bit of samurai swordsmanship is genuinely sharp.

8 out of 10.

Serenity (2005)

What works to perfection as a TV series doesn't fare quite so well on the big screen. Firefly stands as simultaneously one of television's greatest moments and one of television's greatest failures. But the film continuation of the beloved show changes the expectations somewhat and the result, while still terrific fun, lacks it's progenitor's breathless brilliance. If you are a fan, however, there's nothing to worry about—you'll love it just the same. “Cowboys in space” is the name of the game, though it leans much further toward the science fiction side of the coin in this case. The dialogue is snappy, smart, and exceptionally funny, while the casting and acting all around is as close to perfection as this kind of material could reasonably ask for. Where it falls short, if anywhere, is that it really doesn't feel like much more than a mega-budget 'very special episode' of the TV show. Make no mistake though, the math turns that into an overall compliment. This film lets the fans get their jollies while at the same time welcoming newcomers into the fold with a well made, character-centric action-adventure. But in cinema the stakes are higher and the time is much shorter. On its own the movie can feel rushed or even isolated—a fun curiosity with little consequence; a little under-ambitious in some ways. At best, the movie will steer you to pick up the DVDs of Firefly, or, for the Browncoats, answer most of the burning questions left dangling in the series. At worst, it's a fun time in a different universe, and the probable end of something truly special.

8 out of 10.

Sin City (2005)

Hyper-violent with a wicked sense of humor that could charitably be described as “gallows,” Robert Rodriguez's trip into the dark underbelly of graphic novel legend Frank Miller's imagination is an grisly, brutal triumph of artistic courage and a remarkable purity of vision. Adaptations simply don't come any closer to their sources than this—almost every shot in the entire film is ripped straight from pages it was born on. It even goes so far as to recreate the color scheme of inky blacks and dingy whites, interspersed with the occasional flash of vibrant color. It's an avant-garde feast for the eyes. But the story is all testosterone, blood, and guts as it depicts the dredges of Basin City rising up against the fascist, perverted powers of the city in their own gruesome way. This is truly a movie about bad people taking on worse people. If you crave a bucket of artistic blood-letting, or have an eye for an absolutely unique presentation, then this steroid-infused story of twisted morality is truly something to behold.

9 out of 10.

Shattered Glass (2003)

Sometime between recording the awful love dialog in Star Wars Episode II and becoming a one-man jedi barbecue in Star Wars Episode III, actor Hayden Christensen put in what was probably the best performance of his career. Shattered Glass depicts the downfall of real life reporter Stephen Glass, whose career ended in 1998 when it was discovered he falsified parts of, or outright created entire stories, which were then published as truth in the prestigious New Republic magazine. His was one of the most high-profile instances of journalistic fraud the industry had seen. The movie shows this eventual collapse with an unexpected air of objectivity. The way the narrative moves, it's difficult to blame any one person for wrongdoing, leading to a judgment call on the part of the audience. As far as drama goes, there's an air of tension and nervousness to reflect the characters, but the star of the show is really the plot itself. The few things that work against it mostly revolve around the objective nature of the film—if you're the kind of viewer who likes hand holding, this may not be for you—and there's an odd editing choice toward the end that is somewhat baffling. Still, in managing to make the viewer ask how such lies could filter through to publication in an industry that prides (prided?) itself on endless fact checking, this becomes a fascinating examination of how so much could have possibly gone so wrong.

8 out of 10.

The Spiderwick Chronicles (2008)

One could say that this is film is making the best of a bad situation. Basically you've got an awful script filled with every kind of kid's film stereotype, a trio of too-precocious youths who are having family trouble (side note: I used to think I was unique in growing up with divorced parents. If kid's films these days are any indication, it's frighteningly common nowadays), a disbelieving parent, and of course the token adult who's in on the conspiracy, played here by a curiously miscast David Strathairn. Yet, despite the generally terrible writing, everyone (except Strathairn) plays their part with such furious conviction that it's not hard to get swept up in the fun. Not only that, but (and this part genuinely surprised me) the action scenes in this film are truly intense! Much of the rest of this fairy tale is your basic kid's film fluff: tons of the now-standard fantastical special effects and “kids can overcome anything” proselytizing. So it all adds up to a mixed bag for adults; the action is great but there isn't a lot else here. But the film's target audience will likely be enthralled (and appropriately thrilled) for its entire runtime.

7 out of 10.

Sunshine (2007)

Congratulations Danny Boyle, you've successfully remade Alien without the alien, and then tacked on 2001's ending. But at least you had the decency to do it well. Don't get me wrong, while this little sci-fi jaunt to a dying sun is compelling in its intricacies, the story is eerily conventional. I admit though, I am a sucker for those little tidbits. All the physics, the science, and the day-to-day routine, even down to the soporific and seductive power that sun gives off is shown with remarkable care, and it's absolutely fascinating for that. And the production and effects are wonderfully top-notch. However the characters and the plot are flat and familiar, respectively. It's really a shame, too. There's obviously a passion for portraying the impossible here, but the brightest spots of this film sit right where the devil is: in the details.

7 out of 10.

P.S. to anyone who's seen it: BACON MAN!

The Savages (2007)

Watching someone take the slow boat to crazy town is almost always a great way to spend two hours. Here Laura Linney does a fantastic job refusing to believe that her father is old and dying while brother Philip Seymor Hoffman just tries to keep everything afloat. It makes for some good drama alongside a decent number of amusing gags, but as common an experience as death is the film never quite finds a perfect stride, instead settling for a hearty pile of excellent scenes on top of dull scenes, sprinkled with outstanding performances all around. It's a very earnest film about a parent's declining heath's effect on the children, and the chemistry and neuroses that Hoffman and Linney keep in common create a very believable sibling relationship. What you get is a film that is compelling from start to finish, but through some flaw or trick of the screenplay still manages to keep you at arm's length. That's probably just fine, as more vicious bickering and in-fighting might have spoiled Linney's exceptional work here as a woman in denial. All said, this is a great film about one of life's hardest trials.

8 out of 10.

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Before The Empire Strikes Back had a chance to solidify the series' place in cinema history, this catastrophe happened. There simply are not words for how absolutely awful this made-for-TV cash-in is and remains. That it continues to exist thanks to someone's 1978 VCR and the eventual advent of web-based video is nigh on an epic travesty, and under no circumstances should any loved one or trusted friend be made to watch any or all of it. Honestly it should come with the kind of warnings reserved for narcotics and a card with a suicide hot-line's number on it. That it has names like Art Carney and Bea Arthur attached to it just adds to the overall embarrassment of seeing a beloved classic turned into a low-budget musical. No amount of damage supposedly done by the Special Editions and the Prequel Trilogy can ever match the sheer abuse this two hour turd visits upon this universe. Star Wars creator and geek paragon George Lucas once said that if he had enough time and a hammer he would destroy every copy of the bloody thing. After having seen it myself, Mr. Lucas I am willing to buy you that hammer.

None out of 10.

With Rifftrax:
With that out of the way, fans of the now defunct Mystery Science Theater 3000 TV show and movie would actually be doing themselves a favor by heading over to www.rifftrax.com and downloading the alternate audio track. Rifftrax are simple mp3 files that you play alongside a given movie, where three or more folks make snide comments basically tear the film a new one. In the case of The Star Wars Holiday Special, the Riff turns an intergalactic meltdown into two of the funniest hours you could reasonably ask for. Hosts Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett manage to pull together an absurdly hilarious miracle in turning the movie's dialogue (or lack thereof) against itself. While it certainly can't rescue an established cataclysm, it drags this Holiday Hindenburg up enough to make it something you won't bring up in therapy later.

With Rifftrax: 1 out of 10. (by the way, the version of the SWHS you'll want to use for this runs about 1 hour, 57 minutes or so, and still has the vintage commercials in it)

Sweeny Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)

Whatever his visual triumphs, director Tim Burton seems to have a lot of trouble pulling off a truly great film. He certainly has made a large number of very good films (and a decent pile of so-so ones), but for so prolific and iconic an auteur it's odd that his great movies only number three or four. Sweeny Todd falls into the very good, almost great side of things, mostly on the strength of the quirky musical it's based on, and Burton's strengths as a presenter of absurdly gothic delights. It is perhaps the best produced musical about murder-and-cannibalism to date, and it certainly has its ducks in a row as far as eye candy goes. But as much fun as listening to Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter sing about how delicious people might be, one wonders what might have been in the hands of more capable singers. The casting is competent (and in the case of Borat's Sacha Baron Cohen, inspired) but rarely excels largely due to Depp's almost complete lack of singing experience. He gets the job done much better than most would in his position, but the inexperience is still audible. That said, the music is witty and sharp (no pun intended), the sets and costumes fantastic, and the gore flows like thick, chunky water. It has enough going on to deem it a must-see for fans of both Burton and blood-soaked musicals, but lacks the final spark to make it a gruesome slice of brilliance.

8 out of 10.

Stardust (2007)

Patience is a virtue, or so they say. For those quick to judge, Stardust will come off as derivative, silly fantasy fluff with no hope of rescue. For those of you willing to endure an entire hour of world-building and meandering exposition, you will be handsomely rewarded. If you let this film work through the kinks, the second half is a spectacular success—imaginative, breathlessly charismatic, with a giddy kind of heart-warming romanticism that is never condescending. It's all bundled together with some competent, though intentionally cartoonish special effects, a morbid yet friendly sense of humor and some delightfully fun swashbuckling action sequences. All of this delivered by a ridiculous number of big names, including Claire Danes, Michelle Pfeiffer, Ruperet Everett, Peter O'Toole, with Robert De Niro as you've quite literally never seen him before, and fantasy mainstay Ian McKellen as narrator. If you have any love of goodhearted, fun-for-fun's-sake filmmaking, you owe it to yourself to see this. Overly-long first hour notwithstanding, I would go so far as to say that this is the most enjoyable, charming, pure entertainment bit of light fantasy cinema produced since The Princess Bride. It fights for and earns every bit of its wonder and admiration.

9 out of 10.

Shotgun Stories (2007)

Having seen it firsthand, I can tell you there are few things like a deep south vendetta. In this film we have a homespun tale of old hatred drawn out with a sense of purpose and place uncommon in experienced directors, let alone first timers. Writer/Director Jeff Nichols has done an admiral job of designing a fascinating character study drama of familial hatred set in the tranquil nothingness of the US delta. The result is a patient bit of stoic cinema that is honest, meditative, and poetically tragic. Each performance is crafted with a very suitable kind of subtlety and nuance, especially Michael Shannon as the almost anti-heroic Son. If it has any faults, they have to do with how well it matched its subject matter. Rural Arkansas is an uneventful area by nature, and so the movie matches its snail's pace. Likewise some of the characters, while internally consistent, are difficult to like or relate to. But on the whole, this film is a surprisingly honest look at the American South, and a sound bit of tempered, skillful filmmaking.


8 out of 10.

Sicko (2007)

Chances are you already have an opinion on Michael Moore. Personally, I miss the happy-go-lucky, less agenda driven satirical truths of his TV Nation days, and while I find many points and politics in his presentations and documentaries that I agree with, more often than not the frequently dishonest methods he uses behind the scenes simply turn me off. With that out of the way, Sicko might be the finest piece of work Moore has done since the early 90s. Gone are the mixed messages of Bowling for Columbine and the blunt force trauma smear campaign of Fahrenheit 9/11. Here it's replaced with smooth and very entertaining storytelling that, while certainly slanted to a specific world view and advocating a specific issue (in this case, government run health care), is nevertheless an interesting examination into an argument that is sure to piss you off in a productive way. And it's not as politically charged as one would guess, either. He throws darts at both sides of the aisle; in the middle of taking down one right-winger after another, he saves the hardest hit for Hillary Clinton! But really it's all about the human stories in all of this, and whether fabricated or not (the lack of outrage in this department makes me side with “true”), what's here is effective and at times heartbreaking. Even his big stunt at the end comes off as a far more involving and soulful than expected, though still too saccharine. If you have an opinion on Moore, you already know if you're going to see this film or not. But for those of you who are neutral, or who just miss what he used to do before he became a his own punchline, Sicko may just surprise you, and may make you ask some good questions.

9 out of 10.