The Box (2009)

Someone drops a box off at your door. Inside is a button. You are informed that if you press the button someone you do not know will die, and you will be given one million dollars. You have twenty-four hours to decide whether or not to push the button. And from that, things get weird. What starts out as a great bit of mental torture and suspense quickly gives way to an extended episode of The Twilight Zone with all the trimmings. Unfortunately, it's just about as cheesy too. There's some excellent weirdness going on in this movie, but while the scope of events from one reveal to the next is spot on, the sense of mystery doesn't quite follow suit. Lots of things change for the cooler, but it's hard to really care beyond curiosity. That's a shame too, because with a bit more love and a lot less runtime this could have been a perfect popcorn muncher. The same Richard Kelly that brought us the excellent Donnie Darko does a very good job capturing the vintage 70s television vibe throughout, but alas it just doesn't quite come together in a way that does its far-out ideas justice.

5 out of 10.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Here, I'll make this simple: did you grow up playing videogames? Then you need to see this. Look, I won't lie: headlining star Michael Cera, playing his usual awkward, irrepressibly repetitive, lovable scamp self, is overexposed to the point of being obnoxious. At this point it's a given. What I'm saying is to get over it just this once. He's not the reason to see this movie. This is one about the presentation, the story that flies by at 200kph splashing geek humor all over everything, for seeing life bars and power-ups become character beats, and for seeing the gamer audience as more than a bunch of closeted dweebs living in their parents' basements. It's for anyone who's ever chased a high score, fought a dragon, or saved a world in their spare time with their spare quarters. Is it perfect? Certainly not. Seeing Mr. Pilgrim battle Ramona's seven evil ex-boyfriends does get a little long in the tooth, as almost every fight at least starts out identically, and often even ends the same way. But it's the moments in-between the kung-fu: the sly winks to a knowing audience, the solid delivery of joke after joke after joke, and the pervasive use of the soundtrack from Zelda: A Link to the Past, that keep things levelling up. Sure, if you didn't grow up with these influences, you'll either be lost or bored or just not see what the big deal is. Yet for those of us sitting pretty in the target audience, this is finally a movie that understands.

9 out of 10 (if you played a lot of games as a kid; otherwise 7)

Inception (2010)

So few directors can orchestrate a mystery better than Christopher Nolan. Hot off of The Dark Knight, Nolen gives us an opus of a passion project, a film so cleverly intricate and expertly executed that there is little left to do in the end but marvel. At its core it is simply a grand heist movie, but when the goods are stored in a person's subconscious things start to get tricky. And surreal. Very surreal. What plays out is an incredibly labyrinthine story accented with mind-bending, well, mind-bending. It's unbelievably fascinating and expertly crafted. The sheer scale and breadth of thought that goes into some key sequences is enough to fill the imagination. Yet there Nolan is, confidently pushing along, and making the most complex of concepts sing and dance and comfortably layer on top of themselves. It's a total trip on a scale not seen since The Matrix. The only downside is that you'll spend so much of your brain coming to grips with its crazy ideas that the emotional side of the story has trouble staying potent. But for a film to fill the head with so very much, and successfully nudge the audience along down such a winding road, the few tiny flaws can easily be forgiven.

9 out of 10.

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

When you get the right people in front of the right director with the right script, and then have them all pump out just the right kind of terrible, the result can be brilliant fun. This is not a good movie, but it is a damn entertaining one. The script is almost entirely made up of unceasing and pointless amounts of exposition while the acting wavers between bad and hilariously bad. And yet, it doesn't matter. John Carpenter's show about a truck driver battling an ancient Chinese sorcerer carves out a piece of work so bizarre, so knowingly off-kilter, that it all turns pleasantly surreal. Of course it doesn't hurt that the sets and effects are pretty great across the board. If you like your movies cheesy, your language salty, and your exposition extra exposition-y, there's a lot to love here.

7 out of 10.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind (Manga Series 1982 - 1994)

Also known as Kaze no Tani no Naushika.
When I wrote my review of the film I pointed out how I felt the narrative felt truncated and rushed. The truth is that no matter how large the fringes of the film's world may have seemed, they are nothing compared with the absolutely massive scope and story told in this manga series. It's still the same basic premise, showing a determined princess trying to end the wars between last tribes of humanity while a toxic jungle closes in around them, but here the scale of the conflict is escalated a hundred-fold. Massive battles sweep across the landscape, cultures and religions are touched on and detailed and irrevocably shifted, while the world itself, deadly and unmerciful, swallows up entire nations. Through it all, Miyazaki's impeccable sense of pace comes through on the page, and his iconic character art is filled with wonder and with horror. It's a darker piece than much of his other work, but so much is said and seen and done over the course of it all that there is little room for anything less than awe. Perhaps the only legitimate complaint is how the black and white drawings are sometimes difficult to follow, leading to minor confusion from time to time. Even so, the result is utterly biblical in scope and ambition, and though it falters at moments, it is nonetheless a staggering accomplishment.

9 out of 10.

Watership Down (1979)

Respect for an audience can be a hard thing to come by in an animated film. For as many talking bears, singing princesses, and pieces of anthropomorphic silverware as have been drawn for the screen, few are given the chance to breathe and be part of something bigger than mere archetype. Watership Down is not a perfect film, but considering the time it was made and the general story, it's amazing that there was any consideration to make it more than just another kid's film, let alone a full-blown thriller. Seeing a group of rabbits strike out on their own to found a new colony wouldn't be this tense if it had been in more market-minded hands. But there's a confidence here, and a sense of respect enough for the laws of nature to show things maybe not as they really are, but as the could be. It's dark and it's violent sure, but it's honest, and doesn't let tragedy break its stride. Though at times it may seem more interested in how a rabbit moves about than in telling its story, there's definitely a sense of weight and intelligence to be appreciated.

8 out of 10.

Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

Perhaps the most shocking part of this film is that it isn't garbage. Nobody is going to come out and say that this is a triumph of cinema or anything, but this generally unnecessary live-action remake of the wildly popular martial-arts action cartoon has a thing or two going for it. Best among them, a complete lack of taking itself seriously. The characters, the situations, even the costumes all reference back to just how preposterous everything is. It gives the film a breezy air of silliness, resulting in a pleasantly kid-friendly series of fights, sprinkled with light humor. The production values aren't half-bad either. None of this changes that it's generally a stupid movie with a nigh-incomprehensible story and dull action sequences, but the camp value the film knowingly dumps on the audience is, if nothing else, excellent grist for drunken cynicism.

4 out of 10.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Forged of few words, Arnold Schwarzenegger picks up a giant sword and swings it into one nameless drone's face after another. He's really at his best when he isn't talking. In this film, there isn't much but an angry man driven by age-old revenge pointed at a cult of snake-worshipers. Along the way a lot of men lose their heads and a lot of women lose their tops. The whole thing is manly brawn winning over all, but that's entirely its charm. There's a gleeful lack of political correctness to this era of action films and something like this drives it further home; women are often leverage while the bad guy is the only black person in the whole film. But then it's a throwback. It isn't condescending or mean-spirited, just a brutal ride through harsh territory, and a big, dumb, meaningless, lovable film.

7 out of 10.

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

How did they screw this up? The original was about as far from a masterpiece as a “good” film can be, but it at least knew the strengths of its cast well enough to have them keep their mouths shut and their swords out. Things were kept simple and violent. For this outing, pure simplicity is thrown out the window, replaced with more speaking parts, toned down violence, and a wise-cracking cowardly sidekick. As a result almost all of the charm present in the first film is lost. Conan once again dons his most formal loincloth to do battle with another crazy cult and their crazy sorcerers. More swords flash, more heads roll, more time is spent ogling Arnold Schwarzenegger's chest, and the audience yawns. Just watch the first one again.

3 out of 10.

Red Sonja (1985)

Despite taking place in the same pre-historic far east world of Hyboria as the Conan films, despite sharing the same director as the lesser of two Conans, and despite also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sword-wielding mountain of muscle with the same hairstyle of Conan, this is not a Conan film. Or a good film, for that matter. Instead it's a disinterested cash-in on the other franchise, attempting a similar swords-and-sorcery style of epic but ultimately falling apart thanks to an unbelievably dull script and ridiculously atrocious acting. It's almost worth watching for the cheese-factor alone. Almost. To its minimal credit, it has a single decent action sequence, and some of the scenery looks pretty cool in a doodles-in-a-14-year-old's binder sort of way. And the poster is pretty exciting too. Honestly though, outside of the remarkable amount of fuel for cynical riffing, there's no reason to watch this movie. Go watch an actual Conan film instead.

1 out of 10.

Preacher (Graphic Novel - 1995)

Packed with about as much action, dark humor, and outrageous gore as you could possibly fit into the format, Preacher is an epic graphic novel series that still manages to somehow skip the most compelling part of its tale. Depicting a Texas preacher who decides to go on a warpath against God, holding Him accountable for the sorry state of the world, you would think that a philosophical take on religion would stand at the forefront. Instead it's a humorous romp through one amusing religious conspiracy after another. Any heady takes on the subject matter are buried under waves of serial killers, western-style shootouts, and a constant current of pitch black humor. That isn't to say it's a failure, however. The series has a breathless sense of momentum as it moves from one action setpiece, storyline, or fascinating revelation to another. Yet still none of it scratches the itch, none of it takes itself seriously enough to examine the things it's proposing. As wide a pool, as many great twists and terrific moments as this series has, the water is still remarkably shallow. It's fun and funny, and unfortunately that's all.

7 out of 10.

Avatar (2009)

In the simplest possible terms, this movie features one of the most lush, vibrant, and fascinating worlds ever put to film. It's stunning and staggering and warm and real. When credits roll, you feel like you just spent a week in the weird and wonderful. For all the bombast and budget the film has gone through to make it to the screen, this is a movie that delivers that elusive true magic of actual escapism. The story, after that fact, is almost irrelevant. And yet even this tale of man coming to grips with nature, predictable and trite though it may be, manages to always seem engaging and fun. It's an action-adventure film in the classic sense, with broadly painted villains and even broader heroes, brought together with incredible confidence. The story itself may not be much to praise, but the execution, the beauty, and the pure thrilling awe of this sci-fi fable make it something altogether remarkable.

9 out of 10.

Note: If the option exists, no matter how difficult it may be, this film must be seen in 3D. It is not a gimmick like it is in every other film, it becomes a part of the story, and turns this incredible world into one you can actually touch. It is still a great movie regardless, but it would lose a key feature in its presentation.

Ponyo (2008)

Also known as Gake no ue no Ponyo.
Once again, legendary director Hayao Miyazaki shows us what's possible with animated films. Pitched similarly to the classic My Neighbor Totoro, Ponyo is a tale perfect for children, and a solid dose of enchantment for the inner child as well. The story is a familiar one, as it is based on the same book as Disney's classic The Little Mermaid. Miyazaki's take on the “fish-person wants to be human” story is significantly different however, even if the central conceit is the same. It's not a musical for one, and the entire production has a danger-less, carefree feel. The palette is full of warm blues and friendly yellows coloring characters that simply accept the situation in front of them with little question, and tied with a brisk pace that helps the whole thing go down easy, if ultimately inconsequential. It is pure escapism, crafted with a sure hand and obsessive eye for detail. Every moment of the film appears hand drawn, with Miyazaki's aversion to computer generated imagery in full swing. There may not be a single computer animated frame in the entire film—a true rarity in this age—and the result is a visual masterpiece. Even so, the story and childish tone may be a hard sell for demanding adults. If you have a playful inner child who can enjoy lush scenery with pretty colors and adorable creatures, you will definitely finish this with a smile.

8 out of 10.

Howl's Moving Castle (2004)

Also known as Hauru no ugoku shiro.
Seeing something completely, utterly new and unique in a movie is a rare thing. It's also Hayao Miyazaki's stock and trade. This tale of warring wizards and a young woman cursed into old age is so inventive, so eye-popping and fresh that there's hardly any room left for a coherent story. Make no mistake, at every turn and in every scene there is a new kind of magic or spell being cast that results in a careening trip through a dazzling array of color and lights, beautiful hand drawn landscapes, or a perfectly animated transformation effortless in its character and subtleties. There is genuine enchantment to be had. But the story itself suffers for it, with large leaps in character logic and a world absolutely begging for further explanation yet receiving almost none. It creates an interesting yearning, an expectation that all the answers the movie expertly baits you into anticipating lie just around the corner. In that way it's a mildly frustrating film, but while it may less of a Miyazaki masterpiece than its peers, this is still filled with that trademark wonder, and near perfect beauty.

7 out of 10.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

You can tell a franchise has gone on long enough when you start to see the quality cycles in which it runs. James Bond fans will know what I'm talking about. Here is a series that began with a halfhearted nudge out of the gate, picked up speed by the third film, and was at a full-on gallop by the fifth. Someone must have hidden some Ritalin into everyone's morning coffee for this outing. Unlike the better entries, Year Six at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry feels lethargic and drowsy. It lacks the excitement and surprise and fascination with itself that made the third through the fifth movies so engaging and charming. This one feels detached, with acres of dead space between the characters and the events, sparse highlights of barely conveyed emotion, and moments of action that feel designed to distract the audience from nap time rather than contribute to the story. You could argue that maybe there's too much story to tell in this, yet the previous film did a fantastic job in the telling and the source for this is almost a third shorter. Whether or not the magic is gone, it seems to have skipped over this entry.

4 out of 10.

Spirited Away (2001)

Also known as Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi.
One of my favorite scenes in all of cinema occurs late in this film—it's a quiet character moment on a train as the scenery passes by on a waterlogged horizon. Joe Hisaishi's excellent score slows to little more than a somber piano, and an attentive viewer is given a chance to breathe a bit, take in the entirety of the story to that point. Much of this tale of a girl lost in a world of strange spirits is filled with such verve and energy that for it to press on the brakes and weave this piece into the palette brings the magical absurdity of the story a sense of weight. A lot of strange things happen in this movie, but like all Miyazaki's films there is a patience in the telling, a casual lack of urgency. It doesn't need to shove you through one moment in its eagerness to get to the next weird thing, but relishes in the detail and the world. There are weaknesses however. As wonderfully bizarre as the events onscreen can be, there are barely any moments to flesh out the world in which they inhabit. And much of the ending feels like an attempt to solve a riddle that was never asked in the first place. But there is truth and beauty in this coming of age tale, and though it may have a few cracks on the surface it is no less touching or satisfying.

9 out of 10.

Army of Darkness: The Medieval Dead (1992)

The Evil Dead trilogy is unique in that its films only barely attempt to maintain any consistency. Much like the second film, this third abandons its predecessor's tale, retells it differently, and goes on from what is essentially a new starting point. Here the last survivor of the first and second finds himself in medieval times, once again being called upon to fight undead demons. A big difference here compared to previous films is that the hero is largely on the offensive, exhausted and utterly pissed that no matter how many hellbeasts he destroys they just won't leave him alone. A bigger difference is that this film eschews all semblance of horror seen in the previous films, instead becoming an over-the-top action-comedy. The result is a frequently hilarious, endlessly quotable romp that is appropriately lacking in story and acting, while pouring everything it has into showcasing hero's cynical charisma. It's not nearly as violent or foul as the previous films nor is it as inventive, but taken for what it is, a B-movie trip through a haunted dark ages, there's a lot of fun to be had.

7 out of 10.

Princess Mononoke (1997)

Also known as Mononoke-hime.
Hayao Miyazaki darkest, most mature piece is also one of his very best. Framing the struggle between human progress and its adverse effect on nature as a war between the animals of a forest and a band of industrious outcasts fighting for their freedom, the story here offers no clear answers, no obvious morality, and no villain. Instead it's about shades of grey, where neither side is entirely right, and both fronts have a clear right to the others' stake. It's complicated and difficult, yet exciting and magical. Miyazaki paints his opus with impossibly massive landscapes and beautifully framed vistas, filled with bizarre and wonderful creatures, some quirky and some intimidating, all brought to life with painstaking detail. Every frame of it is pulled together and solidly personified with an incredible, sweeping music score. There aren't many filmmakers out there who can present something so delicately epic, and so deeply intimate. It feels personal and grand, urgent and sure-handed. From an artist whose every work is a thing of incredible beauty, this is a masterpiece.

10 out of 10.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Wow. What went wrong? Let's all be honest here: you shouldn't expect much from a movie based on a cartoon that was based on a series of toys. Still, somehow director Michael Bay managed to make magic happen with the first film, concocting a light romp in which giant robots beat the snot out of each other for our amusement. It was funny, exciting, quickly paced, and pleasantly inconsequential. This film, on the other hand, is a morass of terrible screenwriting on top of embarrassingly bad acting, and an air of over-inflated self importance. Even the exceptionally glossy sheen of absurdly good special effects can't overcome this half-cocked mess of gaping plot holes and horrendously irritating characters. Meanwhile the action, the one part you could hope to count on, is nothing but a few slow motion explosions splattered over a some confusing whip-pans. There are a pair of decent action sequences in here, but twenty-five minutes of awesome is not worth enduring two additional, excruciating hours of tripe. This film goes down about as easy as swallowing a cheese-grater.

3 out of 10.

Kiki's Delivery Service (1989)

Also known as Majo no takkyûbin.
Even when legendary director Hayao Miyazaki is at his least effective, his style is still quite enchanting. Here he tells the coming of age story of a young witch off on her own for the first time, learning the ropes of life's triumphs and failures. Nothing, and yet everything is charming. The most fantastic parts of its mildly supernatural plot are told without any effort, and the result is a feeling of everyday magic, of a normal grounded in the incredible. It's all framed in a summertime kind of beautiful, with lush greens, and deep ocean blues—the art here is exceptional. It does lose a bit of ground, however, as it moves into the third act. What little conflict there is feels appropriate, but the resolutions feel forced and cheap. Interesting characters are well developed, but under-used. But somehow it barely matters. Somehow it's just a few wrinkles in on a lovely package. It may not be perfect, but it is very satisfying.

8 out of 10.