Commando (1985)

As we all know, once upon a time Arnold Schwarzenegger was freaking huge, and every film he was in throughout the 80s and early 90s was built specifically to highlight that fact. Here we're introduced to him carrying a chainsaw and a tree over his shoulder, because being a half ton of solid badass somehow wasn't manly enough on its own. Soon after, his daughter is kidnapped by a third world military junta. Daring feats of improbable, ultra-macho manliness ensue. If disposable eighties cheese and gigantic guns being emptied into faceless bad guys are your thing, then you'll be in heaven from start to finish. This movie is what it is though: a one-off sequence featuring continuously rising body count. As far as these types of films go it's more archetypal than actually good. It laid groundwork for dozens of films to follow, but on the whole it simply doesn't have a lot going for it on its own. If you can turn your brain completely to “off”, then you may welcome the hair this film puts on your chest. Otherwise it's probably better to move on to bigger, more preposterously manly fare.

6 out of 10.

American History X (1998)

Obvious message about racism is obvious. Between the heavy-handed slow-motion, and an overbearing score that's as subtle as a sledgehammer set on fire, this is a film that is so in service to its message that it nearly forgets about filmcraft. It's not that that message isn't worth hearing, or is any less relevant today than it was when the film was made, it's just that being beat over the head with one extreme after another has a way of disengaging the people who need to hear it. Still, taken for the heavy-handed monster that it is there is still some merit here. Seeing an ex neo-Nazi try to keep his little brother from following in his footsteps is a good opening salvo in the discussion, but ultimately the movie itself only ever feels like just that: an opening salvo in the discussion.

6 out of 10.
Might take some heat for this one...

Iron Man 2 (2010)

While the first sailed by on a whip-smart script and a stellar performance by Robert Downey Jr., part 2 swings by on upped production values and a larger focus on things that aren't the metal man himself. It's a different approach that pays off in a completely different way, but it may bug you depending on what it was about the first that you enjoyed. Like any sequel, the budget is bigger and the cast flashier. There are more things to distract from genuine character building, and in some ways it seems drunk on its own success (at least one subplot could have been cut entirely without hurting the film). But the switch-up lets there be more variety. The moments with the stars have less to say, but feel more special for their rarity. The action sequences are bigger in scope and impact, and better integrated into the story. The new characters all fit in fairly well with the old. The most damning thing to say about the film is that it only does what the first did, but bigger. Yet still, that works for what is only meant to be fun and funny. By the end, less may feel accomplished, but it's a more impressive ride regardless.

8 out of 10.

After Last Season (2009)

As a four-minute short film about neuroscience students unraveling a murder plot, it might have made for a workable B-grade student film. Unfortunately, this film goes on. And on. And on. What might work as an in-and-out college-level short is instead stretched out to ninety joyless minutes. Where to begin? How about the constant sound of pipe drainage in the background of every scene, or how each set is just some corkboard over drywall, or the MRI made of construction paper? Yes, the film really is that cheaply made. But worse is the unbelievable amount of dead space in the film. The actors show a largely inoffensive blasé attitude, but with gigantic spans of time between each line and a script filled with acres of completely useless information the whole affair seems like glacial episode of Seinfeld without even an attempt at humor. From top to bottom, this is just bad. It's barely even ripe for ribbing. That said, there are still worse films out there. The worst tend to waste talent. For this, there wasn't any talent to begin with.

1 out of 10.

OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies (2006)

Also known as OSS 117: Le Caire, nid d'espion.
Among the many things that are amusing about this film, and the character of French special agent OSS 117, is that it not only predates Get Smart, but even beat James Bond to the punch. OSS 117, French spy extraordinaire, is as obnoxious as a terrible French stereotype, and as clueless as Maxwell Smart. This isn't the kind of film that is obviously hilarious. There are few big setpiece jokes. This is mostly a constant-grin sort of affair, with our hero accidentally doing just the right thing over and over again. Meanwhile the story acquits itself well enough. There's little remarkable about the film as a whole, other than the fact that the humor translates over fairly well, but the whole thing comes together quite well. As a comedy riff on spy films, there are some good chuckles to be had here.

7 out of 10.

Burn After Reading (2008)

Seeing the CIA's braintrust crash against the jagged rocks of clueless stupidity should be more fun than this. When the wrong information falls into the hands of a a batch of barely-competent fitness instructors, there should be some play on what 'government intelligence' is, or some laughs that play up a lack of preparation, or something. This is more of a drama about things that are difficult to get invested in than it is a straight up comedy. Deadpan presentation may be the Coen Brothers' M.O. but this one takes itself too seriously to be anything more than passing funny. Then as a set of twisting traps and back-and-forth entanglement it also comes up short. It has a few moments that stand out, and at least one excellent left turn, but largely this is a bit of well presented, interesting-but-not-compelling fluff. It's inconsequential and innocuous, too serious to be silly, too silly to be serious.

5 out of 10.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

Police procedural films live and die by their plot twists. It almost isn't worth bothering if the movie's entire world isn't turned upside-down by the time the credits kick up. This tries to be a salacious movie, a kind of what-if scenario by way of taking a 1950s mystery and giving it a modern coating of grit. It starts off as it should with each of the cop archetypes present and accounted for, right down to the Irish-accented police captain. Then, yes, things get complicated. As a novel the story must have been a gripping yarn, but as a film things get out of hand in just the right way to make the plot hard to follow. That doesn't make it any less interesting, but it's hard to invest in the story when you aren't sure who's double-crossing who exactly. The second half of the film is a whirlwind of shake-ups, and while they are excellent moments, there's little here that lingers after its over. For all the star power, and as excellently staged as moments within the story are, there's little here of substance. It's a fantastic quick fix for the genre, but it's a bit hollow.

7 out of 10.

O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)

Homer's The Odyssey, rewritten for the deep south in the 1930s, and sprinkled with bluegrass and images taken from old photographs. That about sums it up. The thing is, if you try to apply any sort of critical thought to it the whole thing collapses like a thing that falls apart. One moment you're watching some slightly madcap comedy, the next it's some dark fable, the next it's jumped inspirations entirely and is trying to ape Gulliver's Travels. It's not a mess, but if you've got more in your head than what's being fed, the bridge starts to sway a bit too strongly. So what if you step away entirely and just approach with a blank stare? Then things go down fairly smooth. The comedy bits become funny, the non-sequitors become charming, everything else just lends to the glazed-over surreality that the brothers Coen have concocted. The music remains excellent either way. So its a mixed bag. Either you'll see straight through it and wonder what the hell you're watching, or it'll wash over you leaving a pleasant (if strange) aroma.

7 out of 10.