Conan the Destroyer (1984)

How did they screw this up? The original was about as far from a masterpiece as a “good” film can be, but it at least knew the strengths of its cast well enough to have them keep their mouths shut and their swords out. Things were kept simple and violent. For this outing, pure simplicity is thrown out the window, replaced with more speaking parts, toned down violence, and a wise-cracking cowardly sidekick. As a result almost all of the charm present in the first film is lost. Conan once again dons his most formal loincloth to do battle with another crazy cult and their crazy sorcerers. More swords flash, more heads roll, more time is spent ogling Arnold Schwarzenegger's chest, and the audience yawns. Just watch the first one again.

3 out of 10.