Red Sonja (1985)

Despite taking place in the same pre-historic far east world of Hyboria as the Conan films, despite sharing the same director as the lesser of two Conans, and despite also starring Arnold Schwarzenegger as a sword-wielding mountain of muscle with the same hairstyle of Conan, this is not a Conan film. Or a good film, for that matter. Instead it's a disinterested cash-in on the other franchise, attempting a similar swords-and-sorcery style of epic but ultimately falling apart thanks to an unbelievably dull script and ridiculously atrocious acting. It's almost worth watching for the cheese-factor alone. Almost. To its minimal credit, it has a single decent action sequence, and some of the scenery looks pretty cool in a doodles-in-a-14-year-old's binder sort of way. And the poster is pretty exciting too. Honestly though, outside of the remarkable amount of fuel for cynical riffing, there's no reason to watch this movie. Go watch an actual Conan film instead.

1 out of 10.