1408 (2007)

They really don't make horror films like this anymore. It's not sadistic, not particularly gory, nobody gets chopped up slowly into little pieces while they gargle their last scream—it's just a good, old fashioned scary picture. It's almost Hitchcockian. The sense of dread and unpredictability that the first half builds is almost balletic, reaching a perfect rolling boil that carries throughout the rest of the film, while the surprisingly thick plot (for a horror movie) has a few exceptional cards to play. It's not quite all good news, however. Samuel L. Jackson's overly insistent hotel manager character feels both under- and mis-used, while the occasional corny wink from John Cusack still manages to sneak in from time to time, and some of the plot's twists are overly elaborate and contrived. But for the most part the movie focuses on the character of the room itself, generating one nerve wracking situation after another to wonderful effect. It may not be the finest horror flick out there, but it's hard to argue when the haunted house scares on offer are this much fun.

8 out of 10.

Saw 4 (2007)

guest review by Phineas Gopher

The latest in a franchise that's become an October staple, Saw IV has the look and feel of the first three movies, but only three-fourths of the charm. The series is beginning to sag under the weight of a plot that has gone from likably eccentric to distractingly convoluted. Viewers who haven't seen Saws uno, dos, and tres will be lost, and even viewers who have would do well to bring a notepad if they want to keep up with who is who. Too many characters doing too many unbelievable things...hmm, sounds like your typical horror movie sequel. What makes Saw IV distinct is the same thing that made the series stand out in the first place: horrible, horrible deathtraps out of which (somewhat) innocent people must find a way. This isn't a spoiler: most don't. The film is never better than when it is making you ask, arms crossed nervously over your chest, "What would I do in that situation?" Unfortunately, it doesn't do this as often as its predecessors.

6 out of 10.

Gigli (2003)

guest review by Phineas Gopher

Oh, the dangers of putting your real-life romance into a Hollywood movie! Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck weren't universally liked in 2003, but they lost many of the fans they had when they headlined Gigli, a crime/drama/ romance that became the most reviled film of the year. And having sat through it recently this critic can say, it really is godawful. All the sarcasm, babytalk, and playful fighting you've ever loathed between couples you know is even harder to watch between two multi-million-dollar movie stars exuding as much charisma as a dog humping the leg of a dead body. Sorry, less. Gigli contains painfully bad dialogue like the infamous "I'm the bull. You're the cow." line, but has such high production values (and Christopher Walken!) that it manages to be entertaining as an example of Hollywood blissfully unaware of not wearing any pants to work. Plus, now is the perfect time of year to watch it, since it is both an unintentional horror film and a turkey.

1 out of 10.

Silent Hill (2006)

Perhaps the best of the videogame-to-film conversions yet, Silent Hill is still a movie at odds with itself. Some of the imagery at work, and the general mood of things when the lights go out are the stuff of beautiful Lovecraftian nightmare. The gore present is not only the gooey-bloody stuff, but also effective and disturbing; the way it ought to be. And the audio design is spot on (which it should be, since it's from the same person who made the games' soundscapes so damn frightening). It's scary the way a good horror flick should be scary. But the plot? Just sub-par. It's told in an overly simplistic, ham-fisted style that still manages not to make sense. To be fair, the games weren't much better, but that's not an excuse. This film has got the scare-factor down in spades, with thick atmosphere and excellent pacing, but it can't surmount its mismanaged script. I give it serious points for effort, but a bad story is still a bad story.

4 out of 10.

BloodRayne (2005)

Start with a director who has a track record of Z-grade box office flops, add in an A-list cast who are clearly in need of a paycheck, digest, squat, and out squeezes this deformed monstrosity. Seriously, what were Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsly, Michael Madsen, Michelle Williams, Meat Loaf, and Billy Zane's agents smoking?! How could an ultra-violent movie about a smoking hot vampire vixen turn out this awful? It's not even novelty bad! For the most part it's just boring, with occasional trips into painfully poor. Director Uwe Boll takes a lot of flack for being incapable of making movies with any redeeming qualities, and after four misbegotten failures I'm inclined to say that he should never be allowed to make movies ever again. If only it were that simple. The saddest part is that of his films, this is easily his best. And it's still intolerable! Everyone, do me a favor: if you come across a steaming pile directed by Uwe Boll, don't step in it.

None out of 10.

Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005)

Family films simply do not get any better than this. Somewhere in this mixed up fable of giant vegetables and ravenous rabbits is a slice of purest entertainment. Neither condescending nor unnecessarily vulgar, this movie strikes the golden mean of being equally accessible for both children and adults thanks to exceptionally sharp writing and beautifully nuanced, hand crafted animation. Subtle, charming, and effortlessly hilarious from the very first frame to the very last, it's the kind of movie that reaffirms faith in the genre. The whole movie just works on every possible level, and the end result is absolute magic.

10 out of 10.

The Descent (2005)

Newsflash: avoid this film at all costs if you are even slightly claustrophobic. If you do not know if you are claustrophobic, you will by the time the credits start rolling. The combination of deep, dark cave diving and girl-power adventure gone awry turns this into something of a post-Saw version of Deliverance with all the trimmings. It's got pitch perfect tension, nerve destroying atmosphere and that deeply unsettling brand of the creepy-crawlies present in most of the best horror flicks. So basically it's a fine piece of pants-destroying terror; how is it otherwise? The story has a few vicious twists in it, while the decisions made by our heroines mostly make sense. Also, the lighting is fairly creative, being as it's almost entirely done with headlamps and flares. Meanwhile, the characters as a whole are mostly interesting, though a bit interchangeable. But you care when the chosen few meet their fates, and that's important. This movie is pretty much the complete package. If you're a fan of the horror genre, it could prove a new classic for you. For the rest, it's an extremely effective way to make you soil yourself.

8 out of 10.

'American Gods' by Neil Gaiman (Book - 2001)

Don't take this as being anything more than a literal statement: this book successfully finds the middle ground between Stephen King and H. P. Lovecraft, making a successful, though flawed, entry into a genre that I will call “Horror Americana.” On the King side, this book has obscure music references, relatable characters in relatable circumstances, and that hard-to-identify straight forwardness inherent to his novels. Meanwhile on the Lovecraft end of things you've got horrific sacrifices, ancient deities, a delightful sense of constant unease, and the ever-present freaky dream sequences. There's nothing wrong with cribbing from the successful if you can add a new bend to it, and author Neil Gaiman keeps his twisted tale fresh by relying on the results of an abundance of research on middle-America, creating a remarkably honest and real impression of life in the “fly-over states.” It's not all sun and roses, however. Despite a few eerie moments, and a general feeling of danger throughout every chapter, there's hardly any real horror across its 600 pages. Likewise, the motivations for the larger struggle are hardly fleshed out in terms understandable by mere mortals, or at least to me. But I don't care. Maybe it's because almost every place described in the book is a place I've actually been to in my travels, but I say this is an excellent book for anyone looking to stray off the bloody, beaten path.

7 out of 10.